


Constant

by akayde



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, F/M, Friendship, Heartbreak, I love Remus, I love for their friendship, I love sirius but he fucked up, Lily Evans is amazing, M/M, Other, POV Remus Lupin, Pain, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Angst, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sad, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, The Prank, depressed fucker, lily and remus are platonic soulmates, remus coping, remus isn't doing too well, we love hope lupin, we love wolfstar, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:55:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28502571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akayde/pseuds/akayde
Summary: Remus and Lily friendship moment. Summer after the prank. One shot.
Relationships: Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Constant

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 4am while listening to Achilles come down, I need to sleep.

I was in a constant muddle of waves, crashing against my body over and over and over, throwing me down, pulling me into the mindless depths of the ocean, and just when I would get a little courage to pick myself up, another blinding, debilitating, loud wave would tear me down. How was I _meant_ to cope? How was I _expected_ to react? How was I _supposed_ to move on and forgive, _forget_ , when I was in a constant downward spiral of betrayal and disappointment. I had moved past anger, it lingered still, the air around me hadn’t become less hostile but I found myself more disappointed than angry, more tired and let down than anything. It had been 3 months since I last spoke to him, 1 month since I last responded to their letters. Was it selfish of me? Probably. But as the days carried on in their mundane glory I found myself spending less time thinking, worrying and blaming myself and more time sleeping, locking myself away and _hiding_. It was easier and I was a coward.

There was short, sharp knock and the door creaked open painfully, echoing through the room. There were quiet footsteps, and I felt the bed beside me dip, I could smell her perfume, warm and lovely.

“You have a visitor.” My mother’s voice was quiet and slightly shaky, it felt comforting to hear her against the thoughts running circles in my head. I wasn’t sure if I could manage to look at her, though I wondered who was visiting me, a silent panic filled my chest. What if it was one of them? They wouldn’t though, would they? I felt a hot, weighted pressure settle in my chest, then another set of footsteps clicked against the wooden floors and I could smell her, cinnamon and the faintest scent of cigarettes. I turned over slowly and was met with a kind smile and red hair.

“Hi,” Lily said, she stood wearily by the edge of my bed next to my mom, who had a small, tight smile and teary eyes. I felt guilty, so fucking guilty because it was my fault, I had been acting terribly and never once though about how it had been affecting her, the dark circles under her eyes and creases over her once smooth skin were proof, and I had never wanted to sob more. I gathered myself and gave them a smile, it was genuine. They visibly relaxed. My mom put a gentle hand to my cheek and looked at me with a fondness I hadn’t realized I missed horribly.

“I’ll let you two talk; door open!” She gave a small laugh and made her way out of the room, soft footsteps trailing behind her. There was an air of awkwardness. She stood stiffly and just looked around, taking in my room, a distinct feeling of embarrassment filled me, it was the first time she was seeing my room and it was a mess, with clothes thrown about carelessly. My mom had attempted to clean but I refused, yelling and telling her to get the fuck out, I was ashamed as soon as the words left my mouth and began apologizing profusely, the look she gave me was once of true sadness and the guilt never left, only stuck to me, mended itself into my heart and stayed.

“You can sit, you know.” I let out a laugh, the tension eased, and she gave me a wide grin, her eyes filled with relief. She climbed under the duvet and we laid side by side, arms brushing gently. It was comfortable, familiar; it reminded me of the times we laid in the common room in a similar fashion, or under decaying trees during the fall, freezing but refusing to miss the setting sun.

“I didn’t know you were coming,” I said simply. I saw her shift to turn and face me from my peripheral vision, I could feel her eyes burning. It was a stupid thing to say, I hadn’t been replying so how could she have let me known?

“You absolute prick, I worried myself sick.” I turned to face her, I took in her appearance, the spatter of freckles, the bright unwavering look of anger and happiness in her impossibly green eyes, her flowing red hair that curves perfectly around her face, framing it beautifully and I saw what James saw. “Say something.” She sounded slightly desperate, an edge to her voice I rarely heard.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, I looked away, unable to hold her gaze much longer without falling apart completely.

“I know.” And then tears slipped down my cheeks, a burn ensued in my throat aching terribly and tightening around my neck. I couldn’t stop, I felt the warmth trailing down my face, drying stiffly in their trails and falling uncomfortably down my neck, ears and hair, but I couldn’t stop. It was the first time I cried since then. My body was shaking, vibrating, and my sobs were silent heaves, breathless and filled with unsaid hurt, raw hurt, horrible horrible horrible _hurt_. Lily’s beautiful face blurred and distorted behind my watery gaze, a pressure filled my head, and my mind was blank, but I _couldn’t stop_ , and I didn’t think I could handle drowning anymore. I could feel the weight of the water piling on me, tackling me down into the salty waters. Lily brought a gentle thumb to my cheek and wiped away my tears, her arms wound around me and pulled me in, she was warmth and goodness and I found myself calming down in her hold.

An hour later there were streaks of salty tears painted across my red, blotchy cheeks, my eyes were puffy, and I couldn’t breathe through my nose. “That was fucking embarrassing.” I mumbled. It was calm all around, still and mellow in the dark room, the sun had begun setting, there was an orange glow behind the shut curtains, and I found myself staring at it.

“Not embarrassing to feel, let’s go,” Lily said, she stood and held her hand out for me. Her eyes were bloodshot and teary, her pale skin was sanguine, and tear stained, her nose was bright red, and her lips were puffy. It had been an emotionally exhausting hour for us both. I took her hand.

We sprawled across the lawn, the grass prickled my skin, and the buzz of bugs filled my ears. The sky was drowned in reds, yellows, oranges and faint purples, bright and untouched. There were clouds streaked like strokes of a paintbrush and I found myself admiring the beauty behind sunsets even further. The air was warm and thick, there was a dense smell of petrol and cigarettes mixed with freshly cut grass and dandelions. It was the first time I had left the house in 2 weeks and I was very content just breathing with Lily and my mom by my side.

“I love you guys.”

“Oh darling, I love you too.”

"I love you Rem, but don't ever fucking scare me like that again."

"Yeah, don't fucking scare us like that."


End file.
